So… this week I experienced a phantom pregnancy.
There. I said it. I got it off my chest.
Oh wait, you want details? Of course you do. It’s always awesome to hear how incredibly stupid somebody else has been. Happy to oblige!
It started with the symptoms.
- Hunger. Always hungry. Able to finish off a huge packet of doritos and still be hungry. The kind of hungry where you stand in front of the fridge for ages… just staring. You see, once you’ve experienced pregnancy, where you are allowed (in fact encouraged by loved ones) to eat… Its very hard to go back to normal, eat-like-a-sensible-human-being life. Much easier to assume the hunger could be caused by another pregnancy!
- Tired. Out of breath after climbing up the stairs. Yeah ok, I know it was probably all that sitting on the sofa and eating for hours that caused me to become so unfit. Or… I could be pregnant again? (the latter sounded better in my head).
- I felt movement. I kid you not. I felt the phantom baby move. I sat upright in my bed with this exact expression on my face:
Ok, so I was drifting in and out of sleep and clearly imagined this “movement” but… it was enough to send my mind into overdrive for a whole 24 hours.
I thought ALL of the following:
- Oh shit.
- No. I can’t be…
- Can I?
- It would explain a lot of things *casually reaches for a french fry*
- Wow, imagine being able to eat as much I want again without the looks from my family.
- Ok this is exciting.
- Wait, what am I saying? This is terrible! I have a 16 month old toddler!!
- Awww, there would be a nice small gap between her and her new sibling.
- Which would mean even more work for me; I can barely manage with running after just her!
- Yeah but maybe she’ll be older and wiser by the time Baby No. 2 comes.
- Good thing I didn’t pack away all my maternity clothes.
- Ooh I noticed Mamas & Papas had a maternity wear sale on…
- What am I thinking?! I’m NOT pregnant!
- I should take a test. Just to be sure.
- I am NOT buying a pregnancy test because I’m NOT pregnant!
- Ooh I wonder if that women still does those pregnancy massages…
- Oh my God I’m going to be able to put my feet up for indefinite periods of time again!
- And then wake up 3-6 times at night to pee… Crap.
- Wait stop, I’m not pregnant!
- Yeah but these things happen though, don’t they? Women not knowing they’re pregnant till they’re in labour?!
- *opens up Google. Types “could I be pregnant and not know”*
- Google says its unlikely. But not impossible. It didn’t say impossible!
- I should just do a test *sees a croissant on kitchen counter and momentarily forgets own name*
- Jeez these tests are so expensive. Totally money-making crap. Ooh good business idea, must remember this…
- Before I do the test, I should tell my friends *whatsapps the dilemma*
- Dammit they’re all encouraging me to do a test. They were supposed to shut this drama down!
- Ok here goes…
- *does the test*
- Oh my God… I didn’t even tell my husband.
- Shit. My friends are waiting for me to tell them the result on whatsapp. They’re going to know I’m pregnant before my husband does!
- But I’m NOT pregnant!
- *looks down at test* oh I’m actually not pregnant!
- OF COURSE I’M NOT.
- So this means… I just have a very big appetite?!
- *leaves bathroom and gets a whiff of a dirty nappy*
- Awww look at my little munchkin running towards me… WOAH that’s a big poop. I need to hold my nose and do this one-handedly.
- Well THANK GOD I’m not pregnant with another one yet!!!
- Oh she’s putting her foot in my face. The poop is going everywhere. The wipes are finished! ARGH!
- Normal non-pregnant life, welcome back!